Childhood

I was an active child with a vivid imagination, racing thoughts, and plenty of energy. I was athletic, strong-willed, yet often depressed and moody. Focusing was always a problem as my mind wandered as people spoke to me. I would have little recollection of what was said. This was very frustrating, yet uncontrollable. There was simply nothing I could do to change it.

There were other unusual issues as well.

For example, I remember having horrible fits of itchy eyes. I would rub them over and over for several minutes until they were red and irritated.

In elementary school, I occasionally had spontaneous nose bleeds. Blood would start gushing out my nose while frantic teachers rushed me to the nurse.

Now, I have a limited memory of those years. As an adult, I've often told friends that much of my childhood is like a distant, misty dream that I experienced in the third person.

Teen Years

My teen years became very difficult emotionally. Although I was very good at hiding emotions -- and did constantly -- internally I came apart. I became very depressed and thought about suicide almost daily throughout my junior-high and high-school years. I actually tried once, but someone intervened, but that's another story.

Those days were very strange to me. I constantly wondered why I had such fear when dealing with people, and why I has such a lack of self-confidence all the time while many others didn't seem to have this problem.

I specifically remember that I was very good at learning and remembering concepts, but I could not remember names, dates, or places. Geometry and algebra were difficult subjects for me simply because they involved memorizing seemingly endless rules that had no connection to useful concepts.

Ironically, although I knew I was exceedingly fearful and depressed, I actually thought that many others felt the way I did, and just hid it -- the same way I did.

In high school, I began having episodes where I would see brightly-flashing geometrical shapes filled with color in my field of vision. These areas would slowly grow over a 20 to 60 minute period of time until a significant portion of my field of vision was blocked. Many years later I learned that this condition is called scintillating scleroderma.

Another problem that began during this time was ringing in the ears (tinnitus). This problem became more severe over the years. Sometimes this ringing would become so loud that I would temporarily lose all of my hearing in one ear for 20 to 120 seconds.

I also had horrible acne, oily skin, sweat profusely, and rarely enjoyed a good night's sleep. It was a secretly difficult and horrible time.

Finally, I had a strong desire to be social but fear and very low self-esteem kept me socially withdrawn most of the time.

Adulthood

It's hopeful to believe that turning 18 will make all your problems go away, but it didn't.

All of these same feelings continued into adulthood. As I began to learn more about people, I realized how different I was.

Questions constantly filled my mind. Why did I have a fear of public speaking while others could speak in front of crowds with confidence? Why did I have a fear of relationships, commitments, heights, confrontations, and so many other things while others were so "normal"? Why was I so critical -- of myself and others close to me -- while others were forgiving and easy-going? Becoming "normal" became a secret obsession.

I consciously worked on my emotional shortcomings. Overcoming fear was high on my list. Through the years I made progress, but it was slow and took a lot of work.

I thought a lot about the differences between myself and other people, even about the seemingly small things, like why it was so difficult for me to finish reading a simple paragraph without my mind wandering half-way through it. I typically had to read a paragraph 3 to 5 times before I could actually finish and comprehend it.

Another problem I had was that I was not willing to sustain a relationship. I was often critical of myself and my girlfriends, yet my relationships could have turned into marriages on several occasions. Unfortunately, in nearly every case, fear got the best of me and I either bailed "before getting hurt" or was simply afraid to make a commitment thinking that something better might come along.

I had a very hard time believing that anyone cared for me. I viewed all of these relationships as shallow emotional connections that I did not participate in and that I did not understand. Later I would learn that I hurt a lot of girlfriends without realizing -- or believing -- the depth of their feelings. This all stemmed from the fact that I could not fathom myself as being worthy to be liked -- or loved -- by anyone. To me, being valuable in someone's eyes was inconcievable.

Fortunately, throughout my 20's and early 30's I was physically active and very fit. I would play racquetball 3 to 5 times a week in the hot Florida sun and go biking for 5 to 20 miles. On many weekends, I would bike 30 to 70 miles both Saturday and Sunday.

Unfortunately, everything was about to change.

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